


The Weight

by phalangine



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: (they don't), Developing Relationship, F/M, are they friends? are they lovers? who knows!, i didn't watch the crisis legends episode so this exists in a larger and better universe, previous leonard/ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 13:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14165571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phalangine/pseuds/phalangine
Summary: Running into your ex is never a good time. Running into your ex after he died is even worse. But the absolute worst? Running into your ex, only he's not your ex- he's another version of your ex who doesn't know who you are.Or: Ray's day goes from great to terrible, and Zari gets some good advice from an unlikely person.





	The Weight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jessicamiriamdrew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicamiriamdrew/gifts).



> jessicamiriamdrew: ilu, and i really did keep you in mind as i wrote this, so
> 
> title from the editors' song of the same name

When Zari first joined the Legends, she hadn't known what to make of Ray. He's big and intelligent and awkward, and somehow, he always bounces back. No matter if it's a punch or a personal loss, Ray will just square his shoulders, lift his chin, and push on. He keeps his heart on his sleeve, his passions and his joys shared as freely as his friendship. He’s always the first to find a reason to smile, and he’ll find a way to get the rest of them to smile, too. 

That already would have been an odd way of doing things in Zari’s mind, but then she met him when he was a child. 

Young Ray was the archetypal geek: too academically smart for his own good, friendless, and desperate for any scrap of companionship he could find.

Later, Sara tells her about Anna. 

None of it is quite a tragic backstory, but it’s still sad.

And it doesn't explain why Ray is so upbeat. Nothing does. He isn't unaware of the way of the world. He doesn't think they will cure all of humanity’s ills and build a utopia. He isn't even sure the Legends are always doing the right thing.

(When Zari learns about Camelot, her confusion only grows. Ray knew the Legends were wrong, and he was willing to die to do what was right. Yet he doesn't begrudge them their reluctance to join him. He just smiles and says he's glad they came around.)

Zari had thought the mystery of Ray’s optimism would bother her until she figured it out, but the longer she spends with him, the less it matters. 

Ray is Ray. What more is there to know?

By the time she gets a glimpse at what's beneath the shroud of optimism, Zari has almost forgotten she ever wanted to know about it. She and Ray have been having their movie nights regularly, and somehow, without her permission, she's found herself craving Ray’s presence. They sit closer than they need to. Zari lets him hold her hand when they watch something scary- or romantic, or comical, or… Pretty much anything. His hands are big and warm, surprisingly soft given what he does, and Zari likes the way they fit in hers.

Once or twice, they've fallen asleep on each other and spent the entire night in each other’s space. The last time Zari trusted someone enough to sleep beside them like that was before her family was killed. Yet here she is, a person who lays her head on Ray Palmer’s shoulder and holds his hand before she lets herself drift off. 

She doesn't know what to do with the way he makes her feel safe. All the things he gets teased for- his earnestness, his goodness- draw her in. Her chest aches with how much she wants to wrap herself in the warmth he gives off. It makes her breath catch when he beams at her in the lab, something simple and bright moving from him to her.

He shouldn't want her like she wants him. But he does. She can read it in the way he watches her, his eyes soft and hopeful.

It's odd, this tentative courtship, and sometimes Zari just wants to throw her hands up and kiss him.

They haven't talked about things, though, and she can't risk misunderstanding him. So in every way that doesn't rely on her heart skipping when she looks at him, Zari is just friends with Ray. 

And that's okay. Zari would be happy even if she could only have him like this.

But maybe...

Maybe she would like having more of him even better. Maybe she could be selfish and keep some of the sunshine Ray carries in his chest for herself. Maybe she could keep  _ Ray _ for herself. 

And maybe Ray, bright-eyed and nonsensical Ray, would want to keep her, too. 

They're tiptoeing toward a decision, so of course that's when Leo comes aboard the Waverider and everything goes to shit. 

It's going to be movie night, and Zari has reluctantly decided to cave and watch one of the sappy movies Ray put on their watchlist. Ray won't stop grinning at her, no matter what she threatens- if anything, her grumbling only makes his smile grow. There's no mean twist to it, though. His smile is pure happiness. It makes his eyes even warmer, more inviting, and if Zari isn't careful, she’s going to wind up doing something stupid like kissing him.

So she refocuses on pouring popcorn into the big bowl Ray’s holding- and she's not thinking about how big his hands are and how deftly he uses them, or how bizarrely appealing she finds the sight of his muscular arms when he's wearing one of those polo shirts that make him look like a suburban dad at a barbecue- and cautioning him against getting used to getting his way. 

“This is a one time thing, Raymond,” she tells him sternly. She hears the ship’s door open and a mess of footsteps as the rest of the team heads their way but ignores them. “But you did take that brick like a champ on the last mission, so I guess I can watch a romance with you.”

Ray is, of course, unreasonably thrilled about this. “You'll love it,” he says quickly. “It's got everything. Revenge. Costumes. Breaking out of prison. Horseback races. There's even a-”

Zari never hears what there even is. Ray’s mouth shuts tight mid-sentence, his attention fixed on a point over Zari’s shoulder.

Wary, Zari turns around slowly, one hand reaching for her totem. What she finds isn't danger, though. It's just the other Legends- and a man she doesn't recognize. He's tall, if maybe not quite as tall as Ray, and built solidly. He's bending to the side a little, listening intently to whatever Sara’s telling him as they approach. 

Ray draws in a sharp breath through his nose. Zari may not be able to see him, but she can feel the tension radiating off him. 

Whoever this guy is, Zari doesn't want him on their ship.

Sara’s expression is apologetic as the group comes to a stop a few yards from where Ray and Zari are. “Leo,” she says, “these are Zari Tomaz and Ray Palmer. They're the last of the Legends.” Her eyes flick to the side, sliding past Zari to land on Ray, and her expression gets somehow more somber. “Zari, Ray, this is Leo. He's from another earth.”

“It's a pleasure,” Leo says. “I appreciate any help we can get.” His voice is pitched oddly, rising and falling as he drawls in a way Zari can't trace to any particular accent. He does seem to mean what he's saying, though. 

That doesn't explain why Ray’s currently strung tight like a carelessly tuned guitar. 

“Leonard?” he asks, his voice small in a way Zari’s never heard it before- and never wants to hear again.

Leo frowns. “That's my name, yes, though I do prefer Leo.” 

Zari feels her hackles go up at his tone. Something about it reads condescending, like Ray should have known to call him Leo.

Sure, it's a little weird to guess somebody’s full first name to their face, but it's harmless. 

Leo glances at Sara. “Is there something I'm missing?”

“No,” Sara says, finally looking away from Ray. She smiles reassuringly up at Leo. “Not at all. Ray’s just running short on sleep right now.”

Ray is, in fact, better rested now than he has been at any other time since Zari joined the ship. 

Zari keeps that to herself, though.

Expression clearing, Leo nods his understanding. “Perfectly understandable.”

“Great! Why don't we get you settled in?” Without waiting for a response, Sara just about shoves Leo forward, propelling him past Ray and Zari with a hand on Leo’s back. Neither looks back as the rest of the crew very obviously doesn't follow. 

The second they're out of sight, Zari turns toward Ray. She opens her mouth to say something- she isn't sure what- but the look on his face stops her. 

She's seen Ray make a lot of faces. She's seen him look nervous. She's seen him look scared. She's seen him look angry. She's seen him look wary and confused and happy and tired and relieved and frustrated. She's even seen him look sad. She'd thought she'd seen all his faces. 

In a way, she had.

Zari wasn't the only person who lost a family in her time. She can read the signs of grief as easily as she reads code, and the carefully blank expression Ray is wearing couldn't scream  _ grief _ any louder than if Ray were actually screaming.

“I just remembered something I have to do,” he tells her evenly. He isn't looking at her, though, and Ray always looks at her. “I should be back soon. Don't be afraid to start without me.”

Then he, like Sara, moves away swiftly.

Zari watches him go with a curl of foreboding in her gut. 

“I told you we should have called ahead,” Mick rumbles unhappily, jolting her out of her thoughts. Zari fixes her attention on him, on the furrow in his brow and the unhappy folding of his arms across his chest. 

Stein nods sadly. “Mr. Rory is correct, I'm afraid. We should have alerted Raymond.”

“And said what?” Jax asks. He doesn't sound angry; he just sounds tired. “‘Hey, Ray. Heads up- we’re bringing a Leonard Snart doppelgänger around.’ Do you really think that would have been better?”

Nate shrugs. “Who knows? I mean, I didn't know Ray and Snart were even friends. He hardly ever talks about the guy.”

“Maybe that should have been a clue,” Amaya argues, though there's no heat to it. “Ray talks about everything and everyone. The fact that he doesn't talk about Leonard Snart probably should have told us something was up.”

“Well, yeah, but nobody talks about him,” Nate says. “Hell, I didn't even know he existed until Ray messed around with the Colonel Cold thing.”

None of this is making any sense, so Zari asks, “Who’s Leonard Snart, and what does he have to do with Ray?”

The others trade looks.

“I'm getting a beer,” Mick says. “One of you can deal with this.”

No one speaks for a long moment. Mick walks past Zari to grab a bottle, then heads to his quarters, and still no one explains. Zari fights the urge to snap at them. Something odd is going on, though, and she might not get answers if she pushes too hard. It's hard not to be bothered, though, especially after what Mick and Stein said about warning Ray. Ray won't be angry about it, but he should be. So Zari will do it for him. 

She just has to make sure it's warranted first. 

Jax is the one who breaks the silence. “He was one of the Legends,” he says, voice soft and eyes softer. “He and Mick basically grew up together.”

Zari nods, quietly taking in what Jax is saying. “Was he a thief, too?”

A brief flash of amusement lifts Jax’s lips, only to vanish a second later. He looks more grim for having the flash of amusement than before. 

Stein takes over. “Mr. Snart was indeed an accomplished thief alongside Mr. Rory. But he was a good man as well. He gave his life so we could have- Well, so we could live. He didn't have to do it. It was entirely possible for one of us to have died instead.”

Jax nods. “He could be a real dick, though.”

“Language, Jefferson,” Stein says stiffly. 

“He could be a real asshole, though.”

Stein throws Jax a flat look, but everyone else, Zari included, winds up smiling. Not a lot, but enough. Enough to break the somber spell that had fallen over them. 

Jax announces that he has some work on the ship to do, and once he does, the others do the same. Stein says he has to go work on some equations. Nate and Amaya say they're going off to do separate things, but based on the looks they're trading, Zari wouldn't bet on them staying separate for long. 

Maybe it's not the right move- maybe she should keep her distance- but Zari heads to Ray’s quarters. She hesitates in front of his door, hand raised to knock. They're in an odd place right now. They're friends, but they're also something else, too. It's not real yet, though. They haven't done the talking they need to do or said the words to make it all concrete. So is she here as a friend or as what she could be?

Which would bring Ray more comfort?

She doesn't know, and maybe… Maybe she shouldn't bother him until she does. 

Lifting her chin, she knocks on the door. She does two sharp raps with her knuckles, the same knock she always uses with Ray.

He doesn't answer as quickly as he usually does, but he also doesn't make her wait for so long she thinks he won't answer. Zari takes that as a win, but faced with the man who pokes his head out, it's hard for that win to feel like it matters. 

Ray looks nothing like the man she knows. In the space of minutes, he's lost his cheerful glow, somehow managed to lose about ten pounds- most of it from his face- and sprouted the dark circles you get from staying up for five days straight. He looks haunted- or like he's the one doing the haunting. 

Zari almost doesn't recognize him, and that, more than anything, is what makes her heart hurt. 

“I thought I'd check on you,” she says when he doesn't say anything. “You seemed upset.”

That gets a little nod. “Thanks, but I'm okay. Just busy.”

_ Bullshit. _

He starts to pulls away, but Zari can't let him go yet. “About that guy the others brought on. Leo.”

Ray stops moving.

“He's, uh, kind of a dick, right?” Normally she wouldn't steal from Jax, but she isn't exactly in her element here. And it's not like Jax would mind. 

It's hard to tell with most of his body hidden, but Zari is pretty sure Ray shrugs. 

“What about your Leonard?” she presses. “Was he a dick?”

Ray’s eyes go wide like he's a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car. He was already standing in place, but he seems to freeze, every bit of him going impossibly still. It doesn't even look like he's breathing. 

Rushing forward, Zari asks, “You two were probably friends, right? I mean, you like everybody. Even if he was a dick, that wouldn't have stopped you.”

There's a long moment where Zari thinks Ray is going to crack a smile. 

Instead, he blinks a couple times, then says, tonelessly, “Thanks for checking on me. I have work to do, though, so I can't talk.”

And he shuts the door. 

Zari stands there, lost, and just stares at the door, wondering about the man on the other side. Is he actually working on something? Or is he just lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling?

There's no point in wondering, so she leaves.

If she needed further proof that something is amiss, it's the fact that no one took the popcorn she and Ray made. It's still in the big bowl, which is still where Ray left it.

She picks up the bowl and brings it with her to her quarters.

None of the beds on the ship is big. At night, Zari feels like she barely fits on hers. With Ray, though, her bed feels like it's the perfect size. He takes up the space he needs, she cuddles up against him, and they put the popcorn on his lap. 

Without him, her bed feels like the middle of the ocean. It's just Zari and the empty expanse waiting to swallow her up. 

She tries to watch the movie. She really does. But she can't get into it. It's set forever ago when women wore huge skirts and marriage was a contract the world gave a damn about. None of it feels real, though. Zari doesn't care about the protagonist’s family issues. The first time the love interest touches her doesn't make Zari’s heart ache. 

On and on, the movie shouts about the importance of love, and eventually Zari just has to turn it off.

If Ray had been watching it with her, he probably would have made the movie tolerable. He's good at that, weaving facts about the past with the story so it feels real. And he gets so into the narratives, his emotions written plainly across his face, that Zari sometimes just watches him watch the movie.

Sighing, she takes the bowl of mostly uneaten and probably stale popcorn back to the kitchen. After mechanically dumping it into the garbage- Ray has them all well trained in kitchen etiquette- she stares at the empty bowl. She ought to wash it right away, but she can't get the sight of Ray as she last saw him out of her head. 

Obviously she could just go back to his room and knock on his door. It feels wrong, though. She doesn't have the right to barge in on Ray like that. 

But maybe…

“Hey, Gideon?”

“Yes, Miss Tomaz?” Gideon asks smoothly. 

Zari knows the ship’s AI hasn't taken to her. She isn't entirely sure why, and usually that's fine. But she needs Gideon to cooperate with her on this. It's important. Gideon may not like Zari, but Ray?

Gideon must adore Ray. 

“Can you check on Ray for me?”

“Just a moment.”

Zari bites the inside of her cheek. She has no idea what Gideon’s going to do. Maybe she should have been more specific? Maybe she should have asked if Ray needs anything? Maybe she should have-

“Mr. Palmer has asked that he not be disturbed.”

“But is he okay?” Zari asks. 

“His vitals are all within acceptable range.”

That isn't what Zari means, and Gideon knows it. Before she can start a fight she definitely won't win, though, a different voice interrupts. 

“Don't bother,” Mick tells her.

Zari didn't hear him come over, which is either a testament to his skills as a thief or her distraction. Possibly both. 

Turning to face him, she asks, “Why not?”

“Because the computer likes Haircut.”

“That's great. I'll just take Gideon’s assessment of his vital signs and assume that because he isn't bleeding out, he's fine.”

“I didn't say you should do that.”

There's something odd about the way Mick’s talking. He doesn't look sad, not more than usual anyway, but there's something about him that's shifted.

“So what should I do?”

He shrugs. “Damned if I know. But I’m guessing the others told you a little about Snart. You could let me tell you the truth.”

Narrowing her eyes, Zari searches Mick’s face for some clue to what he's doing, but she doesn't find anything. 

“Why should I do that?” she asks slowly, still eyeing him.

“Because,” he says simply, “I like Haircut, too.”

And that's all it takes. Mick jerks his head, and Zari follows him through the ship to his quarters. He sits on his bed; she takes the floor. After a moment, he offers her a beer, which she turns down, then grabs one for himself and downs it in one.

Whatever beginning Zari was expecting, it isn't the one Mick chooses.

“Once upon a time, there was an jackass thief. Let’s call him… Snart.” There's a knowing glint in Mick’s eye. “Snart was a great thief, but then he met a bunch of other jackasses and got a ship, and they all decided they were going to be heroes instead of jackasses.”

He says it derisively, but his eyes go distant after. 

“Along the way, Snart and the other jackasses became friends,” he continues. “He especially liked the jackass inventor named Haircut, and as they sailed around on the ship, Leonard and Haircut fell in love.”

Zari’s heart stops. “They what?”

“They fell in love,” Mick says shortly. “But they were jackasses so it took them about a century, and by the time they figured things out, the ship was in danger.” His mouth curls down “No good guys without bad guys, right?”

Zari nods. “Right.”

“The heroes get cornered, but they have a plan. They know what they have to do. So they do it. They fight the bad guys. And they win.”

“What about-”

“Haircut was supposed to die.”

“What?”

“The annoying captain of the ship had a vision where Haircut died striking the blow that would stop their enemies. Haircut found out and was ready to die anyway. But one of the other jackasses made him switch. Let’s call him Heat Wave.” Mick’s eyes drift down to his bottle for a long moment before he looks back at Zari. “And that should have been that. Instead, Snart knocked Heat Wave out and took his place. And when it came time to do what needed to be done, Snart died.”

Zari feels like her mind is full of mud. Everything feels suddenly distant and off-kilter. 

“So Ray loved Leonard?” she hears herself ask. 

Mick nods. 

“And Leonard died.”

Mick nods again. 

Zari swallows. “He never said anything.”

“Strange, isn't it, how unhappy the boy scout is?” His voice isn't unkind. Just the opposite- Mick sounds nearly gentle. “There's a whole mess inside that head of his.”

“There's a mess in everyone's heads,” Zari points out.

Mick grins at her, sharp and humorless. “Snart would have liked you.”

Zari blinks, caught off guard. “You think so?”

Mick nods. “You're smart. You don't take anybody’s shit. And you like Haircut.”

“Is it that obvious?”

He rolls his eyes. “He sleeps in your bed even though you jump when anyone else breathes near you.”

“It's just sleeping,” Zari protests before she can think not to. 

“I don't care,” Mick says flatly. “So long as the team still works and you don't hurt him, the less I know, the happier I'll be.”

An hour ago, Zari would have sworn Mick barely knew Ray existed. Yet here she is, watching him finish a beer and crack open a second, moments after giving her the most casual shovel talk she's ever heard. 

“You care about him, don't you?”

Mick pulls the bottle away from his lips but doesn't deny it. “Haircut is a special brand of stupid,” he says slowly. “Got more heart than sense. So he needs looking after.” Voice softening, he adds, “Snart can't do it, which leaves me.”

“And one day me?” Zari guesses. 

“Maybe. Or maybe I'll keep my eye on him until I'm gone. Just in case.”

Oddly, the thought of Mick Rory looking out for Ray makes Zari feel better. She has no plans to break Ray’s heart, and knowing she won't be alone in guarding it is a relief. 

That doesn't solve everything, though.

“What do I do about Leo?” she wonders aloud. 

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

Mick nods. “Let him get all that thinking and worrying and shit out of his system. He’ll find you when he's done.”

“And if he doesn't?”

“Then you go to his room and pull his head out his ass yourself.” At Zari’s dubious look, Mick cracks a smile. “What? You people get too caught up in your heads sometimes.”

He's right, and, feeling reassured, Zari takes the flash of levity as a sign that it's time to leave. She gets to her feet and thanks Mick, which earns her a grunted warning not to tell anyone, then heads for the door. A step away, she pauses. Before Mick can open his mouth and say something to ruin things, she quickly heads over to where he's still sitting, takes his head in her hands and kisses his forehead. 

She gets a grumble for it, but that's just Mick being Mick. “Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you actually care,” she says as she pulls away.

He glares at her. “Don't know what you're talking about, lady.”

Zari feels herself smile. “Exactly.”

She leaves Mick’s room still feeling worried but less out of her depth. Now she has a plan.

The first part of that plan is going to the kitchen. She's hungry for something more substantial than popcorn, but as she considers her options- unlimited- she finds she can't stomach the thought of actually eating anything. Instead, she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, then heads to her room.

When she gets there, she fully intends to crawl into bed and try to sleep, but that goes out the window when she spots the person waiting for her inside. 

“Ray.”

He shuffles a little, shifting his weight nervously, but he scrapes together the start of a smile. “Hi, Zari,” he says, voice soft. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Not really.” He lets out a weak laugh, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. “Sorry for shutting the door in your face like that. I wasn't really thinking, and I know that's no excuse, but-”

When she first came aboard, Ray’s tendency to babble was an irritation. Now that she knows him, it's alternately endearing and concerning. If he's happy, it's the former; if he's worried, it's the latter. Zari could listen to him ramble when he's happy for hours. His good mood is infectious; she finds herself asking questions, encouraging him to break things down so she can understand what he's so excited about, which he does with a smile. 

“I'm not mad at you,” she says now, firmly breaking his cycle of saying something, worrying he's said it wrong, and rephrasing it. He frowns but stops speaking, ceding the floor to her. “I'm  _ worried _ , Ray. It's not like you to run off like that, and it's not like you to shut me out either. I just want to make sure you're okay.”

He stares at her for a long moment, and Zari prepares herself for the inevitable false assurance.

“What if I'm not okay?” he asks. He's looking at her squarely, but she can read fear in every line of his body. “What if I'm- What if I don't know what I am?”

Looking at him now, really looking at him, Zari can't help but think of a turtle without its shell. She still doesn't know how happiness is such a shield for Ray, but she definitely prefers him with it. 

She slowly steps closer to him. Ray looks down at her, concern furrowing his brow, but relaxes when she puts her hands on either side of his head. “If you're not okay, then you're not okay,” she tells him quietly. “You can be here with me and not know what you are for as long as you need. I can tell you what I know. Or we can be quiet. Or we can watch so many movies your brain melts.”

He huffs a laugh, and she lets herself smile up at him. Her expression doesn't waver when he covers her hands with his own or when he dips his head. 

It's instinctive to kiss him. She only kisses his cheek, but his eyes flutter shut like he's overwhelmed. She smooths her thumb over the jut of his cheek, and he pushes his head against her hand like a big cat.

“So,” she says after a long moment, “what are you feeling?”

He doesn't open his eyes when he says, “I want to tell you about Leonard Snart.”

_ More heart than sense, _ Mick had said.

Holding Ray like this, Zari can feel the weight of that statement. 

“I'd like that.”

Ray opens his eyes slowly. “Can we sit?”

Zari nods and pulls him over to her bed. They wind up lying on their sides facing each other instead, but Zari can't say she minds. Not when Ray is holding her hands and lying with his head on her pillow. 

“It starts,” he says slowly, looking down at their joined hands, “with the fact that we don't matter.”


End file.
